The Gnarlies


Papa Gnarly and Mama Gnarly would fly out of bed
They’d shake to the their toes and shove their feet into shoes without soles
They’d brush up their gnarly teeth with a gnarly hose
And throw their gnarly bodies inside their gnarly clothes

And nobody showered in the Gnarly home
The smell of B.O. would flow and grow
The Gnarlies loved to stink and sweat
And reek of rot without regret

Then baby Gnellie Gnarly would wake in a gnarly fit and a gnarly cry
With gnarly spit on her mouth that dried
Then all the brothers would roll out of bed
From top to bottom beginning with Gned

Gned was the oldest and then came Gnohl
Then came Gnestor, who looks like a troll
Then came Gnarles, and Gnathan, and Gnewt
Then the runt of the boys and the gnarliest of the group:

His name was Gnerd, the last to wake
He’d shake out his hair in a mountain of flakes
Then he’d roll on the floor like a big smelly dog
And gnaw on his toenails like a beaver on a log

Never would he brush his gnarly gold teeth
And he never wore shoes on his gnarly big feet
His hair was so nappy and nasty and long
It draped down his body; it just looked wrong

It wrapped like a beard from under his chin
Spiraled like a scarf swirled down to his shins
Like a cinnamon twist doughnut with huge gnarly feet
Gnerd Gnarly was dirty he smelled like the street

A stench like the gutter or the steam that rose up
From the manholes that oozed the whole city’s guts
Gnerd never trimmed his fingernails and toes
He stunk like Outhouse designer cologne

At breakfast the Gnarlies would all eat the meat
That was left out all night to rot in the heat
And the milk was all curdled and chunky and old
The toast was rock hard and covered in mold

Then off to school, Mama Gnarly would drive
They rolled out the van like bees from a hive
And by the time Gnerd Gnarly arrived to his class
The teacher was there to greet him with class

She was sweet and kind and ignored his gross gas
She never seemed to notice Gnerd smelled like the trash
Maybe because she always stunk too
Her classroom was rank like a wet petting zoo

And all the other students never noticed Gnerd’s smell
Because they stunk too, like rotten oyster shells
Like fish left out for months and for days
The whole school reeked like expired mayonnaise

The whole town stunk, come to think of it now
Like a skunk or cloud of gas from a cow
And the dirt piled high in all the playgrounds and parks
Every place in the city smelled like a fart

And after dark all the people would gather
They’d slather up their skin in a thick sick lather
Of scum and soot and dirt and dust
And they’d all have a contest of pure disgust

Who will win this year’s Contest of Gross?
Of course it will be the one who stinks the most
And so the contestants all came up on stage
The smelliest and dirtiest of every odd age

The Gnarlies all sat and stewed in their chairs
As Gnerd emerged from the stench in the air
He went up on stage as the judges declared
The winner of filth, the foulest one there

In a dirty low voice, the judge slobbered and spit:
“The winner of this year’s Gross Contest is…
Ladies and Gentleman, Gnerd Gnarly is our king!
His stench floats like a housefly and stinks like a beef!”

Then he handed Gnerd the trophy all covered in slime
And Gnerd held it high with pride in his grime
And the Gnarlies all cheered and rushed to the stage
And they carried him off in a hip, hip, hooray!

Gnerd was the dirtiest and smelliest in the land
And every year after, he’d win it again
And the Gnarlies would sing in joy and of laughter
And the whole dirty town lived disgustingly every after!


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